Eber | Christmas Circa 2020

 

 

By Richard Eber

I’m dreaming of Covid-19 free Christmas

Just like the green one I never knew

With birds chirping while no carbon footprints are lurking

Smog in Bakersfield is not making pathways in the sky

I’m dreaming of a P.C. holiday season

Just like the proper one I never knew

Where diversity is reigning, no need for explaining

Why racial quotas can be found everywhere

I’m dreaming of a Progressive Spare the Air 25tht

Just like the “Blue” one I never knew

Where Chuck Schumer is cherished while the middle class does perish

And Nancy Pelosi can blame the GOP Congress for everything

I’m dreaming of a re-counted White Christmas

Just like the one I never knew (in Pa., Wisconsin, and Georgia)

Where Donald Trump’s supporters are winning,

But no one is listening

To changing the results of November 3rd.

Things are rosy for Democrats as 2020 comes mercifully to an end. Overly sensitive Progressives, still basking in their glory for retaking the White House, think they have a mandate to impose socialism on the American people. Their amnesia is expected to last a couple more years or until mid-term elections take place.

Meanwhile, The P.C crowd much prefers to  use the  vanilla description of “Holiday Season” to describe the traditional  time  in America  when families gather together to celebrate a birth that occurred over 2000 years ago in a little town of Bethlehem.

This year is real special in California as Gavin Newsom for all practical purposes has shut down all churches, synagogues, and other places of worship in The Golden State.  God along with thousands of jobs are being deported to other States.

Recognizing the son of God is distasteful in P.C. world as believing in a higher being could be construed as Divinity Profiling. It would also go against the concept that Big Government is the answer to all that ails us.  How can we have a politically correct Christmas when anarchists, Marxists, Isis, and the Taliban feel they are being discriminated against? 

Even worse if terrorists and their immediate families (including the first 10 wives and off spring), cannot freely immigrate to the United States, how terrible would that be?

No worry.  Soon Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will be in charge to fix everything next month.

In a perfect P.C. world would it ever be possible to allow “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” when such am activity  is  clearly in violation of creating toxic fumes on Spare the Air day?  Along with obliterating the Washington Redskins and Cleveland Indians mascots, could we at least rename the “Campfire Girls” the Young Solar Women?

In government run schools, Christmas vacation has been substituted by having a Winter Recess. Even then this year with remote learning in place, most kids have effectively been off for four months.  Everything is virtual from Christmas trees to theft as there are no longer penalties in place for shop lifting.

Christmas cards are old school as a message on Twitter will suffice in this Holiday season.  The Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem are passé; taking a knee is still cool and bad music still wins Grammies.

Christmas dinner with the family has been banned as Gavin Newsom has deemed this get together to be a health risk except  were one  invited to a shindig at the French Laundry. If only we could encourage folks to get mingle in groups of 2 ½ people or less for a regular dinner not mentioning the dreaded “C” word.

Even sex between consenting adults is being relegated by Governor Newsom to the scrap heap. Official government policy advocates unmarried people over 14 years of age during Covid-19 to only engage in a Ménage de Uno for public safety reasons.

In this oppressive environment I was able to obtain a pirated copy of the Progressive Holiday Guide put out by the Democratic Party Central Committee.  My booklet, received in a plain brown wrapper courtesy of WikiLeaks and Russian President Vladimir Putin, must be authentic as it had the official President-Elect seal post marked from Delaware.

Apparently, there are even plans to swap old versions of Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer with a more politically correct one. The authorities are uncomfortable with this tale of heroic deeds performed by a mindless four hoofed creature. The new progressive Rudolf story reads:

“First of all referring Rudolf to be a Red Nosed Reindeer is an obvious attempt at racially profiling Santa’s favorite helper. While he is different from Vixen, Blixen, Nixon, Dasher, and Pelosi, should he cruelly singled out?

It is also painfully obvious that Rudolf was a victim of bullying from his reindeer colleagues. In addition, after evaluating the medical condition that led to Rudolf having a red noose, it is apparent that he had a drinking problem caused from consuming too much spiked eggnog during the holiday season.”

Whether the actions of those who teased and played cruel jokes on Rudolf could be construed as a “ “hate crime”, has led  Rep Adam Schiff  to recommending  a Special Prosecutor  be appointed  in late December (after unwanted gifts are exchanged) to  investigate Rudolf’s plight.

Also under consideration is filling a complaint for Rudolph under the American’s with Disability Act. It is widely known that the intellectual capacities of the red nosed one is a bit short of a six pack and his Reindeer rights should be protected

Meanwhile OSHA is looking into providing injunctive relief for Santa pertaining to the unsafe condition of chimney’s the guy in the red suit drops down from. In the future they want Hazmat approved inspections under the terms of a Project Labor Agreement, (PLA) prior to Santa entering residences from roof top sites

 A blue ribbon committee made up from representatives from the SPCA and PETA are looking into allegations that Rudolf and his fellow reindeers were inhumanely treated during the 24 hour trek from the North Pole to deliver toys to children throughout the world.

Of concern to PETA is the heavy workload on Rudolf as evidenced by the perceptible limp last year of Santa’s favorite helper? An executive of the organization remarked, “It does not matter if the reindeer did not complain or file a grievance with the NLRB about unsafe flying conditions.” 

This has lead to California State Senator Scott Weiner  introduced legislation for which he explained “With so many packages delivered by the One Horse Open Sleigh, we should insist Santa and his reindeer team subcontract some of their deliveries  to FedEx, UPS, or Amazon.” This suggestion was rejected by Saint Nick who firmly stated “I can still do the job, Ho, Ho, Ho!”

There are also reports of labor disputes this year at the North Pole. The Service Employee International Union (SEIU) is trying to organize the elves who are involved in the process of toy manufacturing. They demand more Irish Whiskey breaks, a $15.00 per hour minimum living wage, medical benefits, and a family leave program for the elves; who whistle while they work, yet have nothing to show for it.

It is hoped that when future generations listen to the words “Rudolf the Blue Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go down in history” are spoken, at least they will hear the politically correct version rather than this Republican inspired tune that goes:

Dashing thru the red ink like a bankrupt Bullet train

Thru fiscal uncertainty we go, lying all the way

Bells on auditors financial statements ring

As Sacramento  passes good government by

With business fleeing California

In a a motorized  U-Haul sleigh

Crumbling roads, bad education, and high taxes each day

Oh what fun it is see California go bankrupt

With  HP and Tesla  laughing all the way

While restaurants and other business fail each day

Oh what fun it is to live the Golden State way

No wonder my favorite Christmas song of Joni Mitchell goes:

“I wish I had a river I could skate away on”


Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.


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