By Richard Eber
President Joe Biden and his Vice-President Kamala Harris have just been inaugurated. To show an unprecedented sprit of co-operation, the two top office holders in the United States decided to co-habituate the White House.
This move was partially made to save resources by promoting implementing their New Green Deal. In addition given the Chief executives diminished mental capacities, having the two living together was intended to provide maximum leadership. That way the 78 year old President could attend a Cabinet meeting in the morning and not miss his regularly scheduled bingo game in the afternoon.
Fulfilling their campaign promises intended to please Secretary of State, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, two new cabinet positions were created. Bernie Sanders became Secretary of Green Energy while Adam Schiff took on the post of heading the Department of Diversity (DOD).
The former Congressman from California was put in charge of creating a level playing field to make sure all citizens get a fair shake in receiving public services. The concept of “separate but equal”, overturned by the Supreme Court in Brown vs. the Board of Education back in 1954, became a relic of yesteryear.
With Joe Biden’s planned new Cabinet Post Secretary of Diversity, changes were made to change this outdated narrative. Now the rule of fairness equated to affirmative action on steroids with underrepresented minorities having first priority in all positions of power and leadership.
Male Caucasians need not apply as they (with the exception Chuck Schumer and Biden) are on the Progressive No Fly list. Those of Jewish, Chinese, and Japanese lineage were ineligible under DOD guidelines to be considered for influential jobs because of them embracing white privilege culture in the past.
Age; again with the exception of high ranking members of Congress starting with Nancy Pelosi was taken into consideration in filling Dept of Diversity positions. On that note most DOD positions are expected to be filled by younger people. Free Speech activist Steve Weinberg’s advice “Don’t trust anyone over 30” became public policy.
In this vein Democrats introduce a Constitutional amendment to lower the the age one must have to become President of the United States to 21. Progressives thought such a move would encourage more participation in the Democratic process, and allow AOC to occupy The White House power sooner.
According to its charter, the Dept of Diversity hoped to sponsor new laws that make holding nationalistic tendencies into being hate crimes. The powerful military found itself being phased out in favor of a more enlightened approach.
When a war was threatened, unarmed counselors and therapists rather than troops were to be dispatched to hotspots. Such a policy put emphasis in dealing with Putin, the Taliban, Iran, and other terrorists with reason rather than military might.
Should any of these “White Flag Emissaries” be harmed by hostile forces, such an outcome would be considered to be collateral damage. In the future foreign aid became new State Department policy to convince violent advisories that the United States is sincere in their efforts to bring world peace.
To discourage pride in ones country and the American dream, the current National Anthem based upon a poem by Francis Scott Key became history. There was a suggestion that the song Lean on Me might replace it but it was rejected because the wording “You just call on me brother, when you need a hand” is too sexist because it is not gender neutral.
Also on the elimination list was the Rolling Stones anthem “You can’t always get what you want” It was thought these lyrics go against the notion that big government not being able to deliver all needs of citizens and illegal immigrants. Thus far the Beatles song of Washington D.C. saying “I want to hold your hand” is the current leader in the Club House.
With a budget of one trillion dollars a year no expense is being spared to making the new Department of Diversity into a model of social justice for everyone to emulate. In their new headquarters formally occupied by the decommissioned Pentagon, the rest room facilities were overhauled at a cost of 59.3 million dollars to be more inclusive.
There were five choices offered for Department of Diversity employees. These included Men’s, Women’s, Transgender, undecided, and none of the above. Kamala Harris volunteered her valuable time to oversee this project to make sure relieving oneself would be done in a fair way that is sensitive to everyone’s particular needs.
By Executive order the new DOD is outlawing the categories Mr., Mrs., Ms, and Doctor are being outlawed on contracts and on news media, as these titles are sexist in nature. It is also thought giving elitist recognition to people based upon their gender and title is used as a crutch of white privilege to control behavior.
In the spirit of PC Culture, each individual was then referred to as “Comrade”.
As part of the new Department of Diversity there were several departments created. Among this list:
- Anti bullying bureau to protect vulnerable children from having their feelings hurt by other kids and their teachers. Offensive poems such Mary had a little lamb and Humpty Dumpty were removed from the school curriculum to eliminate any hint of them having hurtful consequences. Being able to live happily ever after only came if the government bestowed such an ending.
- Humane Sports Mascot Commission: This Board had the daunting task of evaluating literally thousands of critters from High School to professional sports to make sure they were not hurtful, racist, or intimidating. Most notable the fans of the previous Washington Redskins now called their team the “Progressives” Apparently their previously agreed mascot “The D.C. Democrats” was not liberal enough.
- 1st Amendment Protection Board: Headed by Rachael Maddow, Don Lemon and Chuck Todd, this body was created to protect Freedom of the Press. Their first act was to ban Fox News to make sure the American people would not be exposed to fake news.
On a similar vein the new DOD hired consultants to create programs to destroy the American family. It was believed this institution takes away the power and influence of government control over people’s lives. Under new laws, no longer will children be dependent on parents to feed them and provide socialization to raise them the proper way.
Fathers and Mothers Day are to be phased out (with special subsidies given to Hallmark) Instead the President will leave flowers at the tomb of the Unknown Sperm Donor.
Families will be replaced by communal quarters where sleeping facilities and food will be supplied to the entire population. Private property will be phased out to ward off ambition. It is thought that this master plan creates a short cut to obtaining Utopia.
As they used to say at Disneyland “It’s a whole new world.”
Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.
The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.
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