Eber: It’s a bird, it’s a plane, its Joe Bonehead


Richard Eber, California Political News and Views

“Anybody except the arch criminal Lex Luther Trump” was the battle cry from the City of Metropolis. This mythical kingdom home to Clark Kent (alias Superman) was subject to horrendous turmoil in the spring of 2020.  The “Man of Steel” was stricken by Trump with a heavy dose of Kryptonite.

This green substance originating from outer space rendered the protector of good virtually useless.  In desperation the City tried to find a replacement for the super hero, The market in Metropolis  was pretty slim at that moment. Locating an individual who has x-ray vision, can leap over tall buildings and move faster than a speeding bullet was difficult to source even on Craig’s List.

First Batman was approached to replace Superman.  He turned down the job offer because his hands were filled chasing The Joker, Riddler, Penguin, and other notorious villains.  In addition the commute from Gotham City to Metropolis was a drag with all if the traffic that  even impeded the Bat Mobile.

The City Council rejected trying to hire Spider Man because he was still in Middle School. Wonder Women was out of the question as she had not embraced the #Me To movement yet.

What to do?

Knowing that obtaining a suitable replacement for Superman was impossible at that time, the Metropolis City Council did what most politicians do; they kicked the can down the road to ease the concern of their constituents. With this in mind they attempted to hire Superman’s pal on the Daily Planet Jimmy Olsen.  The dim witted cub reporter knew Clark Kent best even though he couldn’t figure out how his friend could change clothes so easily in a phone booth.

Olson turned down the job out of loyalty to the Daily Planet that had struggled of late due to competition from the internet.  The failing paper was earlier forced to lay-off Superman’s main squeeze Lois Lane in a cost saving move.

Desperate to replace Superman, the City Council decided to recruit retired Metropolis Vice President Joe Bonehead from the rest home where he resided.  It was hoped the old timer could bring calm to the community until a permanent replacement could be found.

It did not stress out the city fathers that the 77 year old Bonehead could not put two sentences together without stumbling and had a diminished memory that slowed his thought process. The poor fellow  could not even read from a teleprompter and keep his train of thought straight.

But at least he was a symbol to fight the increased influence of the criminal mastermind Lex Luther Trump. The motto “Anyone but Trump” soon caught on and Bonehead was able to elicit support from a trusting population.

Speaking from a recorded message he screamed on his megaphone “You cannot hide from me Lex.”  Bonehead soon had to retract this taunt as his handlers thought playing a game of hide and go seek would be too taxing on the  aging former VP. He also had to apologize for vowing to clean up crime in Gotham City.  Sorry Joe, wrong place.

Despite such handicaps, it was believed this tottering old man at the helm was better than having Trump in power without Superman coming to the rescue.

Meeting with foreign dignitaries at his Oval Office, Bonehead tried to conduct affairs of state. He was especially tough on the leader of Russia whom he threatened with sanctions unless he helped clean up green house gasses in the Brazilian Rain Forrest.  He also told the Prime Minister of Japan that he looked forward to meeting him in Beijing later in the year.

And then there was a problem of P.R.  Bonehead’s son Hun was profiting by receiving absorbent consulting fees from foreign governments. Hun’s job of tutoring nuclear physics to the Libyan government for $50,000 per month even got negative attention from the liberal press.  They termed the services Hun performed, as “suspicious but not illegal”, even considering his highest mathematical achievement was flunking out of 7th grade algebra.

Neither did it upset the folks at the Communist News Network (CNN) that Hun was paid 5 million dollars in consulting fees from the Chinese Government of how to make the menu of Panda Express taste more American.  His contribution was changing General Tso’s Chicken to be renamed George Washington’s hormone free bird.

When questioned about his son’s entrepreneurial activities Bonehead informed the FBI that he could not remember ever discussing these matters with the boy.  Based upon his failing memory, the law enforcement agency later said they had no reason to doubt the truthfulness of the former VP.

Ignorance ended up being bliss for Bonehead’s job taking over from Superman in keeping Metropolis safe from underworld activities.  He took credit for his predecessor’s policies of being tough on crime and bringing infamous villains to justice.  Lex Luther Trump did not care because without the Man of Steel around, he could conduct a one wan crime wave without reprisal from law enforcement.

This status quo seemed to please the city fathers who decided to favor Bonehead for a second term of office when his appointment to the post expired.  His campaign utilized the slogan from former United Way fund raising drives “Thanks to you it works.”

Despite this endorsement right wing Republicans put up a more conservative candidate to oppose the old guy who had just celebrated his 82nd birthday.

With the polls showing Bonehead going down in defeat, his supporters filed a suit with the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals that stated that he could not be opposed in the election as this would violate The Super Hero’s with Disabilities Act.  They ruled it is unconstitutional to discriminate against anyone because of age or impaired mental faculties.  Because of these handicaps, they determined that Bonehead should run unopposed,

So Joe sort of won by a landslide even if Superman was no longer around to pick up the rocks which covered  the geriatric politician.

Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.

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