Eber: When California leaves the Union (a satire)?



By Richard Eber,  California Political News and Views

As might be expected, there were a lot of people in California who were disappointed when they found out that Republican Donald Trump had been elected to become the 45th President of the United States.

After all, Hillary Clinton won the popular vote in the “Golden State” by a margin of 5,486,261 to less than 3 million for Trump. Given this disparity, many Californians’ would prefer to sing “To hell with the Chief” than insert the lyric “hail” to this melody. Expressing their disappointment, Democratic legislative leaders Kevin de Leon and Antony Rendon issued a joint statement which read:

“Today we woke up feeling like strangers in a foreign land, because yesterday Americans expressed their views on a pluralistic and democratic society that are clearly inconsistent with the values of the people of California”

At the same time, thousands of demonstrators took to the streets to show their displeasure with the triumph of Donald Trump.  While it is possible that many of these individuals may have immigrated from countries where violence follows losing an election, the fact remains that there are a lot of unhappy people in California because of what transpired on November 8th.

This growing distain for the upcoming Trump Presidency has brought forth discussion of California, with or without neighboring “Blue” States Oregon and Washington, succeeding from the Union.  Whether the new entity would be known as CalOrWash, Calexit, or The Left Coast Republic, the implications of such a move would be enormous.

With possibly the 6th largest economy in the world, this new independent State could become the model for Progressive values the current population seems to favor.  Among social reforms we might see.

  • Un-regulated drive by abortion clinics where counseling would be required only if mothers are contemplating going through with full term pregnancies.
  • Free marijuana, Viagra, and unlimited pain killers, distributed by the government to all residents, (including prison inmates) as part of their basic medical coverage.
  • Every public building would need to provide four bathroom choices for patrons to include facilities for Men, Women, Transgender, and Declines to State.
  • Registering as a Republican would be considered to be a so called a second degree felony although this might be a mute point because most people who have given allegiance to the GOP will have already have fled the state.
  • Using the terms Mr., Mrs., Ms., Miss, or Dr. would be prohibited by law as such designations could be construed as “name profiling” which would be illegal on the Left Coast Republic.
  • Cigarettes and all tobacco products would be prohibited. It would only be legal to smoke pot and government approved peace pipes to protect consumer’s health.
  • A special Political Correctness (PC) Police Squadron to be formed to make sure citizens do not offend others with any comments that could be construed as sexist, racist, ageist, or offensive by any individual. The PC Police will have authority to issue tickets, citations for offenders to receive therapy, and if necessary arrest wrong doers.
  • Animal rights advocates from PETA will sit on death panels to determine if any pet or animal beyond a chicken or harvest mouse is to be euthanized. Cattle, pigs, and sheep, will be given “last rights” if requested by their owners, prior to being slaughtered.
  • Mandatory Sexual Diversity Counseling for school children including labs to make sure kids know all of the opportunities available to them when they grow up.
  • Police will have to shoot themselves with stun guns prior to making an arrest to make it painful for them to enforce the law.

Economic reforms would also be implemented to promote the progressive agenda:

  • All businesses would have to be sustainable from providing their own solar power for utilities to making sure global warming is not created by whatever product or service is provided. Compliance would be assured by no less than 3 state agencies to make sure no laws might be broken. All workers would receive full medical, family leave, and a minimum of 30 days vacation a year providing that they put in 20 hours per week.
  • Free entry into the Country would in place for all visitors and would be immigrants. The border with Mexico would be unmanned because everybody will be allowed to pass through without any documentation. All visitors and residents would be allowed to vote in elections as The Left Coast Republic is a citizen of the world.
  • All firearms except in the hands of law enforcement would be prohibited. Hunters and target shooting enthusiasts would have their arms and ammunition locked up in government facilities until they are used. A special monitor would be required to accompany anyone using these firearms to make sure no rules might be broken.
  • Mandatory water rationing will be required at all times. Lawns that require watering will be outlawed. Sustainable Astro-turf like products must be utilized except on public property with an exemption from the legislature. Those with gardens will be required to only plant native draught resistant vegetation as directed by an unelected board
  • Tax breaks will be given to farmers who grow organic crops while those who spray will have to pay a special user tax because of possible negative effects on the environment.
  • Gasoline driven vehicles will be phased out during a 20 year period after which all transit on the highways must be solar powered. By that time oil refineries will be able to be phased out as everything will be sustainable and not a puff of Greenhouse gasses will escape.
  • Construction of new housing will consist of eco-friendly structures with no less than 48 units per building. To receive building permits construction will need to be located in a transit village to provide public transportation for all residents.  New buildings would be prohibited from providing parking spaces to more than ¼ vehicles per adult resident.
  • The prison population would be reduced to only violent criminals and those committing Hate Crimes. Life in prison can only be given for murder or under specific guidelines for chronic felons under the “10 strikes and you’re out plus appeals Act” All other individuals who break the law will be confined to their residences and be restricted  by ankle bracelets
  • The 1.5 trillion dollars worth of pension obligations the State has accumulated could be reduced by devaluing currency for the new country. Much like the current Federal government, the Left Coast Republic can print all the money they need to take care of their debts.

There would be considerable savings for California and possibly a couple of neighboring states having their own country. With the exception of a few units of what was previously called the National Guard, there would be no reason for maintaining full time armed forces.

Each municipality would have the authority conduct their own foreign policies as they will be considered to be Sanctuary Cities. The Foreign Minister will be required by law to adhere to the guidelines set forth by the Secretary General of the U.N.

President elect Gavin Newsom said he planned to suspend diplomatic relations for the 36 other States that voted for Donald Trump.  This would also include the White House staff, Young Republicans, and Tea Party members,

While national borders with Mexico and Canada would be open, commerce would be strictly regulated with former states that Donald Trump won in the recent election.  Containers could be moved in bond that are exported and imported from overseas. Imposition of tariffs on foreign products can be vetoed by China, Russia, or any other member of the Security Council with the exception of the United States.

Cap and Trade could be abolished because there would be no industries that would be creating any pollution problems.  Government employees, high tech, agricultural, construction, and fast food workers, would make up almost the entire work force. Any positions in the private sector would be limited to being union labor.

According to Gavin Newsom, who many consider to be the George Washington of the Progressive cause, “Whether California joins with Oregon and Washington to start CalOrWash or goes it alone with founding the Left Coast Republic, we want to provide an opportunity for the people of California to live in a sustainable, eco friendly, PC environment, where social justice and diversity prevails while Donald Trump is in office.”


Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and fwas ormer city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

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2 Responses to Eber: When California leaves the Union (a satire)?

  1. William Hicks January 28, 2017 at 12:40 pm

    What happens when the Trump States no longer provide all the fiscal support granted to CalOrWash?

  2. Citizen Reporter January 27, 2017 at 7:35 pm

    “Satire?” Maybe not. Isn’t that pretty much what the left is demanding?


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