Green New Deal comes to Fruition


Richard Eber, California Political News and Views

Welcome to the Green New Deal implemented during the first term of President Kamala Harris and her Vice President Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.  They won by a landslide in 2028 when the country decided they wanted to follow the example of Cuba and Venezuela by becoming a Socialist State.

The allure of free education, childcare, medical, food, and just about every human need turned the tide in the Harris’s favor.  For the first few months of her term everything seemed to be going well.  With so much time off because of business failures, people enjoyed extensive vacations while being given a government check to live on. 

No use of fossil fuels was any longer allowed for vehicles and industry.  Combustion engines were quickly phased out.  Electric trucks had to carry the load, even if they were not powerful enough to carry more than a couple of tons.

Most energy was provided by solar farms that had replacing almonds in the Central Valley to become California’s   “cash” crop.  Use of electric powered vehicles was mandated by law forcing low income people to rely solely on public transportation. 

Dams were dismantled at the urging of environmentalists in order to give fish an opportunity to expand their numbers.  This policy also ended up creating less water for the cities where each family had to survive on using 25 gallons a day.  As part of this Green New Deal, each household was allowed only one flush a day and bathing privileges once a week.

Deodorant sales quadrupled.  Although a few folks raised a “stink” about water rationing, it was gladly done to save the planet.

Where did all the millions of new promised jobs coming from with all the free training that was provided?  With capitalism virtually eliminated, naturally most new employment came in the government sector.

Wolf Ranges were quickly phased out in the Green New Deal.  Natural Gas was outlawed years ago starting in Berkeley.  Wolf and Thermo King found themselves producing what was called Poodle Ovens that simulated old fashioned gas stoves at lower temperatures that electricity could provide.

 Pizza as we knew it become a thing of the past as electric ovens could not reach temperatures high enough to cook them.  Domino’s adjusted by providing a premade product that could at least melt the cheese with a solar powered recyclable box.  They had been using fake products for years so no adjustments were necessary providing plant based pepperoni to top their concoctions. 

Spare the air day was extended by government bureaucrats to last the entire year.  Barbecues involving charcoal or propane were allowed in designated public areas and parks.  Such activities at homes were prohibited.   Sales of Kingsford products were rationed.  This created a market for charcoal smugglers, who previously imported now legal heroin and meth amphetamines thru Mexico.

A special number was created to turn in neighbors to law enforcement who broke the law.  As such a system was considered to be too Draconian, the few Republicans left in Congress were able to get a new law passed that enabled  home barbecuing no more than 10 days a year provided they registered their grills and placed on them a monitoring device to insure compliance.

Beef also soon became a black market commodity as it was banned by the government for the negative effects of cattle farting that increased greenhouse gasses. Even mentioning the word “angus” became a hate crime subject to five years in jail.  The Green New Deal was indeed taking prisoners except for cows who were sent to re-education camps to train them with Tums therapy.

 For this same reason, lawns were banned from private residences and replaced by artificial grass.  Ironically, The Scott and Ferry Morse Seed Companies which manufactured lawn products were placed on the Terrorist Watch List while smoking Grass was considered to be a civil liberty. Go figure.

A Government sponsored advertising campaign was put forth that replaced the motto “The family that prays together, stays together” with one that stated “gets stoned together can’t remember together”.  In this case ignorance was indeed bliss.

Commercial aviation was banned because of failures of solar powered gliders to transport passengers safely. The long awaited bullet train (Progressive Express) was finally connected from Los Angeles to Sacramento.  It only took an average of 9 hours to complete this trip which was a lot faster than traveling by vehicle as Highway 5 that had not been widened in 50 years. It was thought making automobile travel easier discouraged people from using public transportation.

Connecting the Progressive Express with San Francisco was still delayed as the project was 189 billion over budget and was being challenged in the courts by environmentalists who were concerned completing the route would lead to less open space.

All meat products were banned for various reasons involving objections from environmental groups, PETA, and animal rights activists. These new laws did not apply to the homeless who were still able to harvest road kill providing they obtained the right permits.

Sushi was still popular in the City by the Bay but sales were banned because of concern that Tuna stocks, with the exception of Charlie, were being depleted.  When visitors thought of leaving their hearts in San Francisco, consuming veggie burgers were not apparently on their bucket lists.

Such thinking went against the city’s previous attempts to draw tourists.  Their once famous restaurants could no longer operate successfully without being able to cook food properly not to mention having to shell out a $125.00 per hour living wages to workers.

What few businesses that remained had to adjust to the Green New Deal. McDonalds without hamburgers made of beef soon failed.  Such an occurrence was like Tom Shane running out of diamonds or George Zimmer being attired in “Last Resort Casual”.  Life under President Harris became survival of the fittest.

During her first term, the Constitution was changed to better suit the Green New Deal.  Other than getting rid of the Electoral College, universal suffrage was given to everyone over 13 in the United States including illegal aliens.  Boss Tweed’s wise advice “Vote early and vote often” became the law of the land. 

Despite this, democracy in some quarters was considered to be outdated.  Steven Colbert tweeted, “Opinion polls on CNN and MNBC are more reliable than actual voting which the Russians are still manipulating.”  Despite such misgivings, everyone eventually was eligible to vote except for Republicans who were now considered to be domestic terrorists whose conservative views made them so called enemies of the State. 

This soon changed despite the mainstream press applauding every move made by President Harris. With no rich people left to bail them out, soon the country ran out of money leading to a depression.   This eventually led to capitalism making a comeback out of the Progressive scrap heap.

The country was on the road to being saved.

Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.

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