Hillary uses Bill Clinton’s near-dead look to get dead vote

Kommissar Chernobylski

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The latest Reuters polling of deceased voters in Ohio, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Florida, and North Carolina show a definite trend favoring Hillary Clinton and Democrat congressional candidates, as the likely dead voters are registering Democrat in massive numbers. Dead Democrats, as well as Republicans who switched parties right after internment, are rising in droves chanting, “We Are Stronger Together.”

Many of the respondents, who have failed to inhale for years, show a definite preference for the familiar look of the soon-to-be departed former Commander-in-Chief pictured above, as well as his wife, who appears in a cameo role in frequent coma. Contrary to popular opinion among the still breathing, familiarity does not breed contempt in the dearly departed. Instead, physical familiarity with the permanently-rigid brings out the vote.

Most of the surveyed non-breathers have also showed preference for low-energy presidential candidates with wobbly knees, who are unable to ascend two steps by themselves without unintended loss of consciousness and have memory loss about emails no longer on their private servers.

The swing states’ Democrat Party chairpersons have always been able to correctly predict a massive turnout of the embalmed. Anticipating strong necrophobic resistance from Tea Party types and other conspiracy theory aficionados, Democrat leaders in the House and the Senate vowed to preempt the living by expanding civil and voting rights of the decomposed by eliminating the voter ID requirement.

The dearly departed have risen for the Democrats in past elections in large numbers, and this year the Democrat strategists predict a record turnout. Back in 2008 and 2012, many non-breathing humans have been reportedly spotted walking about the Main Streets of the smaller towns of Ohio and Wisconsin, heading in the direction of the polls, some in shredded outfits, painfully dragging their bones, trailing dirt and streams of formaldehyde. The cost of cleanup has never been an issue as it’s always been paid for by the losers.

In Brooklyn, Clinton Headquarters moved with urgency to motivate the exhaling-impaired to shrug six feet of compacted dirt and get themselves to the polls once or twice. Given that this may be the most important election of their afterlives, mere disability like personal decomposition will not do as an excuse not to vote.

Last week Hillary Clinton returned to graveyards and funeral homes in Ohio, Wisconsin and New Hampshire with a louder megaphone, in a final attempt to generate enthusiasm for her candidacy among the passed away. Pandering to the most loyal Democrat constituency whose dismembered members never bother to scrutinize her platform, Mrs. Clinton promised that the dead can – this time – take it with them, and pledged to give every permanently rigid an autographed photo of her husband pictured with the current president.

The results of her efforts are the ever increasing poll numbers among the permanently diseased. According to the RCP polling average, not a single Stiff-American is expected to cast a vote for Donald Trump or any other Republican candidate on the ballot. They never do.


API: Bill Clinton in heroic second try convinces the president that he has not inhaled in years

Editor’s Note: This is a tongue in cheek piece, but then again the dead do have rights though they rarely rise up to claim them.



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