I left my appetite in San Francisco


Richard Eber, California Political News and Views


This year San Francisco’s Mayor London Breed kick started the Holiday season by banning the sale of Turkey dinners in restaurants on Thanksgiving Day.  Naturally charitable organizations such as Glide Memorial or St Anthony’s, who serve free food to the poor, were exempted from the new regulations.  However, they would need a special waiver issued by the Ethics Commission to comply with the law.

Breed argued “By prohibiting this racist dish we are sending a message loud and clear to Donald Trump. Thanks to the Butterball people and other white supremacist’s poultry producers, there is simply not enough diversity in today’s turkeys.”

Breed pointed out “An excess of white meat is offensive to people of color who disapprove how this holiday is celebrated.  In our community we can easily fulfill the Green New Deal commitments by offering tasty alternatives such as veggie-turkey burgers, tofu drumsticks sustainably raised fish and extra portions of green bean casserole. ”

The Mayor, with unanimous approval from the Board of Supervisors has taken the unprecedented step banning this traditional American delicacy from being served on what has been referred to as “Turkey Day”.

On a more serious note Mayor Breed announced there would $1000.00 a plate fines placed on any restaurant that dared serve turkey on Thanksgiving.  She emphasized that “Whistle blowers who reported to the police of violations of the new edict, would have their jobs protected by the City. We must stand by these brave individuals who risk being fired for snitching on their employers.”

For London Breed and her band of progressive stalwarts the battle against Turkey consumption does not end on the last Thursday of November.  More road blocks have been placed on this black listed bird to lower its consumption in the “City that knows how”.

The courts have ruled that Turkeys must receive a fair hearing before facing the chopping block.  A case is also pending before the Human Rights Commission which has jurisdiction over, cats, dogs, goats, rodents, and all other mammals including humans.

Besides, any appeal would take at least a year in a city where cruel and unusual punishment (including S & M) is liberally interpreted. Even if a bird would be brought to “carving justice”, PETA would be ever present demanding each doomed Turkey receive at least a month of gluten free counseling before facing execution

There is even a writ of habeas corpus for Turkey’s pending since Gavin Newsom has already halted all capital punishment in California during his brief term in office.

It would also be hopeless to attempt slaughtering a turkey bred in Mexico.  San Francisco’s Sanctuary City protections would insure that the bird would be released without posting a bond like any other undocumented resident accused of a capital crime there.

Because of these developments, I left my Thanksgiving celebration in Francisco.  It was necessary for me to leave because it would be impossible to enjoy my annual tussle with a drumstick there. After paying my Holiday Special $25.00 per hour parking fee adjacent to a homeless encampment, I scurried home to my Swanson’s Hungry Man (Person) Turkey roll gourmet feast with all the fixings,

Next year I will contemplate returning to the city of my birth for another try at celebrating the Pilgrims banquet held some 400 years ago.  With any luck, there won’t be a jail break at the chicken coop or freezer where my Thanksgiving turkey is being held hostage.

With all of these concerns, I hope things can be rectified in the future. Progressives should know enough that having a bird brain is not to be encouraged even if Kamala Harris or Gavin Newsom, and the rest of the gang in Sacramento share these characteristics.

The loveliness of Sodom and Gomorra seems somehow sadly gay

The glory that was Caligula’s Rome is of another day

I’ve been terribly alone and forgotten in solitary confinement

But now I am being paroled homeless to my Sanctuary City by the Bay

I left my heart in San Francisco

High on Meth and government handouts, it calls to me

To be where free needle exchange has me climbing  safely halfway to the stars

The stink of human excrement may fill  the air, I don’t care

My government handout waits for me in San Francisco

Above the Homeless encampments and lawless streets

When I come home to you my bail free San Francisco

Your golden PC values will shine on me

The majesty that was Pelosi’s utopia seems somehow sadly astray

Glory which belonged to Castro’s Cuba was from another day

I have never been alone with Gavin saving the day

For me this means returning to my Progressive City by the Bay

I left my freedom in San Francisco

With high taxes, astronomical rent, and no parking spots for me

Where city workers enjoy benefits that few others will ever see

Being accused of a hate crime or dodging human waste, I don’t care

My government officials embrace me there, in San Francisco

Unless one is of pale skin or the male gender is willing to surrender

When I come home to my diverse paradise San Francisco

Your fascist rules and regulations will eagerly shine on me

Gnawed turkey leg on a plate

Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal

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C E Voigtsberger
C E Voigtsberger
1 year ago

What? It’s not a real news story? Well, then, I guess it just fits in with the times and all the other faux “news” stories.

Personally, I found it totally believable. It’s entirely possible that too much brie and chardonnay cause early brain rot. In fact, wasn’t there a recently announced study by eighth grade students in Sweden that tended to show just that very thing? I understand they are petitioning the Swedish government to ban the importation of those items into the country and will soon undertake a world tour sponsored by the burgundy industry to convince the world to ban those two substances.

Dave Edmonds
Dave Edmonds
1 year ago

The sad thing is I wouldn’t put this past the morons in S.F. When I first started reading it I thought “big surprise”. I am glad however it is a parody.

Citizen Reporter
1 year ago
Reply to  Dave Edmonds

Yeah, we did a double take too before publishing it :-). Parody and reality are getting closer and closer.

Citizen Reporter
Citizen Reporter
1 year ago

LOL! Watch all the fake news complaints come in now 🙂