Marketing and More: Robin Itzler for President 2024!

By Robin Itzler

Editor’s Note: Anything is possible

Upon my retiring, friends suggested that I “get into politics.” Thinking big, I decided that if I were to run for elected office, it might as well be for President of the United States. My first step was to hire an outside marketing campaign consultant. Following an exhaustive search, (isn’t Craig’s List great?!), I found a consultant who would help me win the nomination. However, I learned later that he is a Democrat!!=

Create a Nickname That Sounds Hispanic

Just as the Irish Robert Francis O’Rourke came up with the nickname “Beto” to sound Hispanic, I was told it would benefit me if my Jewish-sounding name had a Latina flair. Going forward, please call me Robin “Reto” Itzler.

Search High School and College Yearbooks

It was important to make sure there were no photos of me in black face, dressed as the Grand Wizard of the KKK or wearing a Nazi armband. The only photo found that could get me in trouble was taken on Halloween when I was 9-years-old and dressed as Snow White. #WhitePrivilege

Practice My Apology

Since most Democratic candidates spend much of their time apologizing, it was imperative to learn different ways to say “I am sorry.” My consultant told me to study Joe Biden.

Dressing on the Campaign Trail

The consultant wisely advised me to buy one special outfit for when I hold the obligatory meeting with Al Sharpton and bend down to kiss his ring. Suggested colors were navy, gray and black as they go well with pink vagina hats.

Foreign Experience

Many Democrats running for president have little foreign experience (from political service or business acumen) so the consultant booked me on a weekend cruise to Ensenada.

Public Speaking

Following the Hillary Clinton Public Speaking Style I must change my accent based on the audience:
New York: Yo! Gonna be a great day to tawk to you guys!
Georgia: Y’all, let’s mosey on down and learn more about me, y’hear!
San Francisco: Stand if you are homeless and only here to use the restrooms!

Don’t Commit to Anything

Just like Kamala Harris, every time a reporter or voter asks my position on an important matter, I am to respond with, “The United States needs to have a conversation about that issue.”

Wave my Hands When Speaking

Standing in front of a full-length mirror, I practiced the Bernie Sanders style of speaking, where each and every word is accented with a swinging hand gesture. We watched videos of Sanders talking about how great socialism is and that those starving in Venezuela are having fun searching dumpsters for decaying food.

Have a Cause

Amy Klobuchar stood in a blizzard talking about global warming while Cory Booker practices gladiator facial expressions. Andrew Yang wants to make Americans lazy with a universal minimum wage. Joe Biden promotes clean hair for women. After much thought, I want reparations for black Labrador Retrievers because Black Labs Matter.

Say Stupid Things with a Straight Face

The consultant had me spend a day watching Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez videos and reading her tweets. Then I had to practice keeping a serious face while saying:

The earth is going to end in 12 years so let’s build a railroad to Hawaii that will stop the cows from farting because I hate Jews, but let’s protest outside of Nancy Pelosi’s office while we try to impeach President Trump and I am so happy that 25,000 new jobs are NOT coming to my district in New York because I am a proud socialist and that means we can all be equally poor together with the Green New Deal, which sounds like dinner at Souplantation when everyone gives up their cars while I travel by limousine.

Make Friends with the Media

The consultant explained that it was very important to become friends with members of the press because most are an extension of the Democratic Party.

Identity Politics

Since Democrats focus on dividing Americans, the consultant and I are still determining the order of my victim status:

• Should I promote my hearing loss ahead of being a woman?
• Should being a woman take priority over being Jewish?
• What sounds poorer – having been raised in Queens or born in Brooklyn?
• Could I refer to my childhood middle-class apartment as a tenement?
• Can I say my family income was near the poverty line by focusing on the short time my father was unemployed?
• Do reading glasses give me another disability?

Campaigning

This is where the consultant and I vehemently disagreed. He wants me to begin my campaign in Iowa and New Hampshire, but I only want to campaign at cruise ship terminals. I strongly believe that cruise ship passengers have been ignored far too long by both political parties beginning with the sinking of the Titanic where “some people did something.”

Campaign Slogan

In 2016, WikiLeaks revealed that Hillary Clinton rejected more than 80 campaign slogans before coming up with the captivating “I’m with her.” Maybe I can use one of Clinton’s rejected slogans for my presidential campaign:

• Lifting us up. Moving us forward
• It’s about time… and it’s about you
• It’s your turn
• Time for a better bargain
• A new bargain we can count on
• A new bargain for a stronger America
• A better bargain for a better tomorrow

Okay, now I am ready to run for president as a socialist Democrat! Of course, President Trump is going to win the 2020 re-election in a landslide, so I will wait have to wait a few years before announcing my candidacy!

Of course, if our outstanding Vice President Mike Pence decides to run for president following Donald Trump, I will wait a few more years to announce my candidacy. After all, he’ll need a solidly conservative running mate…

Republished with permission by author.  

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.

Robin Itzler: Columnist, speaker and author, Robin Itzler has been involved in marketing and communications for more than 35 years. Her Marketing and More columns in the Orange County Breeze often blend marketing, politics and motivation to offer unique perspectives about topical headline issues.