Politicians: Unnecessary Evils

By Burt Prelutsky

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I used to joke that we should select our representatives by drawing names out of a hat. I still say it, but I’m no longer joking.

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Why on earth would we think that carpenters, tailors, plumbers, dentists and auto mechanics, wouldn’t do a better job than a bunch of failed lawyers?

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There’s nothing inherent in passing the bar that suggests someone is cut out to govern a free society. As I recall, ours is supposed to be a nation of, by and for, the people, and not just those entitled to stick “esquire” after their names.

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If regular people were writing legislation, perhaps we could all understand what it says, and not have to rely on other lawyers to decode it for us. One thing I’m willing to bet on is that under my system, you would never wind up with ObamaCare. Nobody who has spent his life repairing engines, filling cavities or fixing toilets, is going to pretend he’s read or can make sense of a 2,500 page bill.

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Last week, when I learned that a friend was taking me to lunch at a place owned by a former big league pitcher, I decided to look up his record.

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Although the man had spent 17 seasons in the majors, he had compiled a record of 140 wins and 146 losses, with an earned run average close to five runs a game. It led me to wonder in what other field a person could be that mediocre and still wind up earning $58 million. The only two I came up with were show business and politics.

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I’m not crazy about all the folks running for the Republican nomination, but I can at least imagine having dinner with the likes of Carly Fiorina, Marco Rubio, Bobby Jindal and Dr. Ben Carson. But who but a truly demented soul would want to spend even ten minutes with a harpy like Hillary, a bumpkin like Biden or a schlemiel like Sanders?

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When Mrs. Clinton recently proclaimed: “I am the most transparent person in American history,” I felt she was slightly over-stating the case. But that’s only because I think Barack Obama has earned that title. But to give Hillary her due, I’m sure she would be capable of dethroning Obama if given four or eight years in the Oval Office.

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Even if you were unaware that the former First Lady has personally trashed every woman that her husband ever groped, grabbed or raped; even if you were unaware of her inaction before the Benghazi massacre and all the lies she told afterward; even if you didn’t care about all the rules and laws she broke in connection with her private server; even then, why would anyone consider voting for this viper?

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For one thing, she wants gun manufacturers held criminally liable for any crime committed with one of their weapons. If a person not seeking public office ever said such a stupid thing, even liberals would write off that person as an idiot.

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I mean, wouldn’t you expect that she would next go after the automobile industry, holding them responsible for speeders, tailgaters and drunken drivers? Ultimately, taken to its logical conclusion, I could imagine her targeting gynecologists on behalf of mothers whose children moved away from home and then neglected to phone once a day.

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Last week, when I heard Hillary Clinton say: “People are totally entitled to their private, personal beliefs, religious or otherwise, but when you take an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States, that is your job,” I was thrilled. I assumed she was calling for Barack Obama to vacate the White House. You can imagine how crestfallen I was to discover she was referring to the incarceration of Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis.

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As much as I despise Democrats, there are a few Republicans I wish were playing for the other team. High on the list is John Kasich. Normally, I would love to have the governor of an important swing state like Ohio in the race, but we already have enough mushy-headed people with an (R) after their name without encouraging a self-righteous buffoon like Kasich to seek the highest office in the land. It’s bad enough calling for the expansion of Medicaid, which is already helping to bankrupt America, without claiming, as Kasich has, that “it’s mandated in the Bible.”

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No doubt that would also be Barack Obama’s excuse for releasing 6,000 felons, rationalizing that drug crimes are by their nature non-violent.

.Ultimately, Obama intends to release several thousand more on the general public. One wonders what he was smoking when he decided that urban black drug dealers and the white supremacist motorcycle gangs that control the methamphetamine trade in America aren’t evil, but simply misunderstood.

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The only question between now and Inauguration Day in 2017 is which group Obama will release first — the 209,000 inmates lifting weights and watching porn in our federal prisons or the 116 jihadists playing soccer and plotting to kill us down in Guantanamo.

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One of the many things I disagree with Donald Trump about is his belief that we can round up 15-25 million illegal aliens and deport them. That would be physically and legally impossible. Even the Nazis, who were far more efficient when it came to such things, only managed to round up about six million Jews. But what is possible and legal and should be reasonably easy to do is to quit subsidizing and employing those who have snuck into our country. It is safe to assume that once they could no longer find employment or receive welfare of any kind, they would pack up and leave. After all, they didn’t need our help getting here, so they shouldn’t have any problem finding their way home.

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Another sad sign of the times is that at fast food establishments around the country, including Arby’s, Taco Bell and Dunkin’ Donuts, workers have taken it upon themselves to refuse service to police officers. While it’s true that store managers and corporate honchos have been quick to apologize, lest national boycotts spring up, perhaps it’s time that these franchises begin to ask their potential employees something besides their names and whether they’ll work weekends before giving them their little paper hats.

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In the wake of Obama’s latest harangue about the benefits of strict gun control (aka confiscation), it is worth noting that those who opposed him in word and deed were the likes of Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Madison and Monroe, whereas those who would give him an enthusiastic pat on the back and a resounding “Atta boy!” include Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Mao, Castro, Putin and Hillary Clinton.

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Burt Prelutsky has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. He lives in the San Fernando Valley.

For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies.  View Burt’s IMDB profile. Write to: [email protected]