Positive Aspects about the Corona Virus by Richard Eber

By Richard Eber

Sir Isaac Newton once postulated “To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction” With this in mind, we can try to find some silver linings emerging from the current Corona Virus crisis.  In addition to the Stock Market eventually rising from recent lows, other positive things can be mined from the pandemic’s ashes.

In my case this strange disease is curing me of the addiction to constantly watching cable news broadcasts.  With frequent reminders the financial markets crashing and more people are being exposed each day, it has become virtually impossible for me to keep viewing these dismal reports.

Even political junkies like me need a respite from the cable mews black hole.  Unfortunately, it matters not if I am watching MSNBC, CNN, or Fox. The negativity is overwhelming.  My mood has dropped me into a state of constant depression.

Because of the media meltdown, I have decided to forgo all news programs until things “bottom out” on the Corona Virus front.  Should friends be unwilling to abide by my Cable TV news, blackout, it will likely be necessary to initiate a “no host ear plug” approach to shelter me from “informed sources”

Even if one is excommunicated from Fox News, there are some side benefits that might not be evident at first.  Included in my list:

1. A good opportunity to drink a Corona without guilt if one can be found at liquor stores whose shelves are somewhat bare these days.
2. Much less Trump bashing even on MSNBC. After their conspiracy theorist experts determined that the President was responsible for causing the Pandemic, there was little more they could say to make matters worse at the White House.
3. Shooting for The Bachelor TV series has been halted. With the participants only being only able to text one another, the fantasy element of the show is lost. Besides, the producers felt by substituting human interaction with use of a photo dating application, they could not compete with Tinder.
4. With remainder of the NBA schedule being cancelled meaningless regular season games are gone for this year. In addition we will no longer have to endure insipid comments from sideline reporters. How can we survive without knowing at half time the coach of the losing team saying “our players will need to improve if we are to have a chance to win?”
5. We can look forward to not attending weddings and funerals of people we don’t care about. In addition, families will save a bundle because with fewer than 10 people in attendance, the cost for putting on these functions is going to drop like a proverbial brick.
6. No longer can the transmittal of social diseases be blamed by sitting on top of infected toiler seats. These surfaces are now being wiped down several times a day.
7. Workers won’t have to stand up during commute hours taking mass transit and can find a parking space in downtown Los Angeles and San Francisco.
8. Lawyers being confined to their homes will result in them saving money each day on dry cleaning bills. With the price of gas going down ambulance chaser attorney’s can lower their fees as well.
9. Even non Catholics Can give up watching baseball for lent without feeling guilty. In my case I can be spared watching another losing season from the SF Giants.
10. The Corona virus will lead to more couples having sex because of home confinement. The birth rate will undoubtedly rise
11. Infidelity will also fall as well with no place to mix and mingle. Any talk about hanging out at a meat market will likely be greeted by the comment “is there still some hamburger left on the racks?
12. Gavin Newsom isn’t as angry as he normally is at Donald Trump for imposing Federalism on the People’s Republic of California. Even a Progressive such as California’s Governor knows that playing partisan politics in a case like this doesn’t help his liberal credentials. Diseases are not Democratic or Republican but rather are Independent without affiliation to the left or right.
13. With all the retail businesses shutting down in malls. California school kids roaming the shopping centers have fewer opportunities to shop lift.
14. All of the creative minds in Hollywood that have brought us remakes of Magnum P.I. Hawaii 5-0, The Match Game, Will & Grace, Fuller House, “MacGyver, Kids Say the Darndest Things etc..; might have time to write new material.  If that doesn’t work out perhaps cyber versions of Ted Mack and Lawrence Welk can be revived from Lenin’s Tomb. Are the Lennon Sisters still available to be booked?
15. With no sports programming to fill the airwaves, a remake of Pro Bowlers Tour Roller Derby and Roller Ball are likely to be revived at any moment.
16. With most restaurants closing down their table service, patrons can take a rest from hearing “Your order is coming right up.”
17. The nation’s morality may well rise to record levels even if places of worship cannot conduct services. There are fewer opportunities to sin as bars, night clubs, casinos and strip clubs are being forced to close down for the time being
18. Under semi martial law, it will be difficult for hookers to ply their trade. Trying to get a date with one of them does not qualify for being an essential service such as a doctor’s appointment or purchasing food for the family. Phone sex during shelter and place will undoubtedly prove to be a safer alternative.
19. If people are confined to their homes, they will not be able to score illegal drugs except in San Francisco where London Breed supplies most them for free. Unless the Governor exempts dealers from closing shop, it appears that Corona Virus has become an ally to the notion of “just say no”.
20. Even Adam Schiff realizes that there are more important things for the country to concern themselves with other than impeaching the President. Although he is positive Putin and Trump have been conspiring to cause the Corona Virus, even Don Lemon of CNN is not buying into such a notion.

Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.

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