Scumbags Treated Like Royalty in San Francisco



By Richard Eber

The tourist trade generated by conventions and vacationers to the City by the Bay has come to a grinding halt with the Covid-19 Pandemic.  To spur business the San Francisco Chamber of Commerce has recruited Politically Correct (PC Tours) to lure more Homeless visitors to their little piece of paradise.

This “trip” is not exactly what Pat Sajak or Vanna White might be bestowing lucky vacation winners on the Wheel of Fortune game show.  The target participants for this tour are the “dregs” of society.

According to the travel agent’s spokesperson Lotta Sewage, “Should more junkies, criminals, and pan handlers be immigrating to San Francisco, we might as well profit by their presence.”  She emphasized “There is no cost involved with recruiting additional low life’s because the State and Federal governments are now picking up the tab to maintain them.”

Free alcohol, pot, hard drugs, and tobacco will be given to lucky visitors to Baghdad by the Bay, High Times Magazine has willingly joined forces with PC Tours to sponsor this venture.  With 10,000 hotel rooms provided gratis to isolate the homeless to prevent the spread of the Corona Virus, a large untapped market exists in this “Left Coast” city.

In advertising this tour for the low price of $ 999. 99 per person, Sewage remarked.  “This is a real bargain because families can rid themselves of black sheep relatives for an extended period of time.  They will no longer have to employ legal representation or post bail as those services are free in San Francisco.  When the cost of food, clothing, alcohol and drugs are added, this is a sound investment.”

The itinerary for the 20 day tour includes:

Ground transport from the rehab center or county jail of your choice to the orientation center in San Francisco underneath the freeway off-ramp on 5th and Howard Streets.

The first evening an exclusive socially distanced  get acquainted party will be held including a 4 course soup kitchen blue plate special provided by Glide Memorial (vegetarian choices can be arranged) a bottle of Ripple or Old English 500 and a lid of Gateway Weed.  A selection of hard drugs including meth, heroin, and speed balls are to be offered with the first dose being free. 

The following morning a talk tour of the tenderloin is to be arranged including locations of known dealers, pimps, prostitutes.  Supplementing  with this information, the addresses/times when free food medical care, and recreational drugs are distributed, will be given

That evening tour members sleep under the stars in a custom tents provided by the San Francisco social services agency. It comes with a personal Porta-Potty to assure the comfort of guests.  That evening a self distancing Cannabis tasting will be held followed by a much needed Ice Cream Social networking function.

At that time each tour member receives a custom solar powered shopping cart with free clothes, spare change, signs, pan handling equipment, rolling papers, 3 liters of alcohol, and a large supply of hypodermic needles.

Day 3   A Special visit to the Mitchell Brothers recording studio is to be arranged.  Guests will be able to view a Linda Lovelace film retrospective including an exclusive opportunity to sniff her underwear at the Perverts Lounge in San Francisco’s Voyeur’s Museum.  In the afternoon tour members will visit local Hotels to choose accommodations during their stay

Day 4 Move into your new digs and take a bath (optional) Enjoy Happy Hour festivities while meeting  dealers, junkies, and derelicts (who will be following strict social distancing protocols)  Place your orders for drugs of your choice including LSD, Ecstasy, PCP, or whatever substance desired. Social workers will be present to screen the weight, quality and purity of any substances distributed to make sure no one gets ripped off.

 Every room will be provided with amenities including shampoo, soap, rolling papers, disposable syringes, condoms, and an extensive selection of pornographic literature.  Each resident will be given a voucher for a free night with a virtual hooker of their choice.  (face masks optional)  The phrase “Coffee, Tea, or Me, will include guys and gals along with a transgender option.

Day 5-20 Efforts to prevent the spread the Corona Virus dictate one stay in their rooms most of the time.  A valet service will deliver meals provided by local restaurants.  Only hookers and dealers are allowed to visit provided that they have a note from their parole officer and can pass a Covid-19 screening.  The mobile VD Clinic provided by the City will offer free weekly medical care to all that desire it.

To beat the boredom of being socially isolated, several activities have been created for PC Tours participants, A meet and greet has been arranged with San Francisco mayor London Breed.  24 hour day counseling is offered free of charge by S.F. General Hospital.  A special Zoom Pan Handlers Seminar is planned where a panel of experts will introduce new techniques for shaking down pedestrians without physically assaulting them very much

As advertised, an exclusive Podcast is being offered to guests by San Francisco D.A. Chesa Boudin.  He will advise those in attendance on the best ways to file personal injury lawsuits against the police and the city.

It should be noted, the city of San Francisco does not directly supply illegal substances, alcohol, or tobacco for guests.  A nonprofit foundation that receives cash from criminals who save money by no longer having to post bail when arrested, springs for these amenities. According to Lotta Sewage, “We want to make sure a nourishing environment is created where enough drugs and alcohol are present so there is no temptation for our guests to relapse into a life of crime.”

Once their three week dream vacation concludes, participants have an option of staying longer or returning to where they came from. Should they choose to depart from San Francisco; an extra charge of $2000.00 will be accessed by credit card to their relatives account to cover this expense.

To discourage leaving, a voucher for $250.00 from the local methadone clinic is being offered to encourage their clients to stay put in San Francisco.

The question can be asked, “Who would reject such as a deal?”  It is certain if Jake and Elwood Blues were around, they would be the first people in their cell block to take advantage of this tour package.  Visiting San Francisco is always preferable to a stint in a drug rehab facility.


Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.

Get Headlines free  SUBSCRIPTION. Keep us publishing – DONATE

0 0 vote
Article Rating
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments