By Lang Martinez, December 16, 2019Nobody Knows But Me part 8
God Only Knows
for King & Country
“Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’.Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’.
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody would believe you
Every day you try to pick up all the pieces.
All the memories, they somehow never leave you.
You keep a cover over every single secret.
So afraid if someone saw them they would leave.
For the lonely, for the ashamed The misunderstood and
the ONES TO BLAME
What if we could start over
We could start over
I am very tired of hiding and living in isolation and inner fear.
I am tired of inner shame that never seems to go away.
I am tired of thinking that I don’t deserve to be happy.
I am tired of carrying the burden of blaming myself for what happened, resulting in living a life of self-punishment, self shame & all the pain.
I want to be free!
This is my life but also the lives of so many others who have been sexually abused, who have been damaged, who have been “destroyed”.
We process this damage by destroying ourselves in so many ways. We continue to ask ourselves, “What part did I play in this, Am I responsible, am I accountable?”
We feel, in some crazy sort of way, that we some how participated in this act of violation, that it must be our fault when in truth it was the innocence of trust taken away by a monster.
After 39 years living a life of self destruction, I began remembering what had been done to me in the past. Hence began the journey of dealing with the emotions & coming to grips with what had been done to me.
After asking myself the same questions over and over again, the conclusion is “it was not my fault, I am not responsible or accountable for what happened to me and neither are you.
I was newly 17, still considered a child and he at 35 was a grown man who had no right to do what he did to me .
Our young lives were not important to those that took our innocence away. We became damaged children because of the crimes committed on us.
Keeping the secrets of shame and lies that destroyed us as a child should have never happened. The secrets of their manipulation that took place they surely would never want to be told. Our lives have been brutally and tragically altered. We ask ourselves how can they be successful and happy in their lives, how can they flourish with their families knowing what they did? It’s because they have no conscious, no regret, to them it never happened, to them they did nothing wrong. We ask ourselves why haven’t they been held accountable? I’m with you and I feel your pain. Accountability is due, but it’s God who has to make them accountable. We need to forgive them as hard as it might be ,as well as ourselves. There is a kind of love that God only knows and it’s God who only knows the real you.
My story begins in 1980, I was in the 11th grade, at Westchester High School, I had just turned 17. My life was filled with playing baseball, racing BMX’s, even being sponsored by the bicycle shop were I worked, called Action Cycle in Playa Del Rey. I had a girlfriend who lived in the Valley in Northridge. I had a cool 1969 Chevelle that I was proud of. I would say besides all the drama I had gone through in my childhood, I thought I was happy, but that’s a whole other story you will have to wait for.
Growing up in the beach area, I would have to say most of the teenagers looked forward to the weekends to hang out there or with any luck someone’s parents were going away for the weekend and that meant the party WAS ON.
Now once you had the 411 it was time to get your stories straight with your friends on what lie you were going to tell your parents. You didn’t want to come home Friday night, you needed time to recuperate from the partying.
At that time in the 80’s, it was all about the brewskies, it was either Micheloba, Löwenbräus, Mickey’s Big Mouths and if you had the money and wanted to make a statement it was the dollar beers, because they were the color of money– Heinekens. Also back then the teenagers had to find out who had the best bud.
The 80’s said goodbye to the commercial bunk weed you paid ten dollars a lid, (an ounce) for. It had to be some good Sesamia with the red or purple hairs on it or good hash. If you really wanted to take the party to the next level, there was always someone with the ” 714s, the Lemons, the Quaaludes” that would make you toast. If you wanted to stay up for a day or two and feel the hairs standing up on your head it was the Black Beauties or cross tops you searched for. Now if you really wanted to go on a good one and trip out, let’s not forget the acid or some good mushrooms the teenagers did back then. And then there was the cocaine, that good cocaine, the ” Peruvian flake” that was so good you called it “nose candy”. You have to remember that back then it was $2500.00 an once or broken down $100.00 a gram. That was a lot of money for any teen so they would have to get together and come up with a game plan on how to come up with the funds. When done it was a special occasion and only those who invested got to participate in doing some lines , it was almost ceremonial.
It was rare when I would partake in the parting. Like I said earlier I was busy with my job, playing ball, racing BMX’s, spending time with my girlfriend or making my ride the ultimate cruiser. There was a day when I did attend one of these parties and were I was told about this place a couple of friends worked at. The conversation that took place was about this job and how I should take it. The deal was closed when I heard you get to party at work and still get paid! Hey, I was a teen, and like all other teens it sounded great, almost too good to be true. Little did I or the other teen boys realize this was what our monster wanted. He threw out the bait and lured us in. This was ultimately the worst decision I have ever made but at the time, I thought it was my best.
The individual that owned the business was also a cocaine dealer and he didn’t just sell cocaine to his employees, he was also connected to the who’s who in Hollywood. If you wanted some cocaine he would deduct it from your paycheck. I myself never had money deducted, I wanted to make as much money as I could to keep my car looking good, pay for my sports needs and take my girlfriend out to nice places.
One day this man pulled me aside and asked me if I wanted to learn the cocaine business and make lots of money, more money that I could imagine. You have to remember, I was just 17, working there was a full-time party, I’d have all the monies I needed for my car, sports, girl, and so my mind was thinking Hollywood and movie stars and I said, “Yes!” So I learned the trade on how to be a drug dealer. What I failed to realize was that I was being used. I was a minor and if the shit went down I was schooled that I would take the responsibility by pinning it on myself. “You’ll be released” I was told because I wasn’t 18 yet. Yes, I sold to those that I will not and can not mention, to the who’s who in Hollywood. I was there right in the middle of it all. Cocaine was the drug that everyone wanted, everyone was snowblind. By being a part of all this, he, my monster, eventually took me out of high school. I no longer played baseball or road BMX’s and I had to leave home. How fast my life changed. I had a mother who loved me with all her heart and was willing to die for me, but the thrill in a 17 year old boys eyes meant more.
In my article, Nobody Knows But Me, “God Did” Part 3, Link (https://www.citizensjournal.us/nobody-knows-but-me-god-did-my-story-about-being-homeless-on-the-streets-of-oxnard-part-3/) I share that I have had sobriety 3 times 5 years. The question I always get asked is: Lang why is it that you always relapse after five years ? My answer has always been the same , ” I could no longer take the pain”. Now after asking God to save my life, I really didn’t know or remember what kind of pain that continued to haunt me, that continued to cause me to do this to myself. Then not too long ago I finally remembered something that was so repressed in my mind that I didn’t want to believe that it happened to me and yet it did.
Phil Collins
” In The Air Tonight”“Well if you told me you were drowningI would not lend a handI’ve seen your face before my friend,but I don’t know if you know who I amWell I was there and saw what you didI saw it with my own two eyesSo you can wipe off that grin, i knowwere you’ve been Its all been a pack of lies.
It was 39 years ago that I was sexually molested- “raped” I finally knew where that pain was coming from. What happened to me was so horrific and how it happened traumatized me over the next 39 years and now at 56 I had to accept I was a victim of child molestation. I was “Raped”!
I realized I either had to accept and deal with this situation or relapse was inevitable. I knew if I relapsed this time I would surely die.
On July 25, 2018, I finally got myself back into Rehab. I had to get a foundation and I had to get it right this time because I knew if I didn’t I would surely die. Each time I relapsed I was stepping closer and closer into the grave. What I had to get in my head is no matter what, there was no next time, that God had worked overtime on me for 55 years and I had to get it right. Only through my Lord and Savior would this happen.
When I got out of the Rehab in September 2018, I went to work for the same man that saved my life when I was homeless in Oxnard. Everyday in the program I was thinking about what happened to me and how it happened? So when I got out of rehab the first thing I did was to ask someone if they could do a search for this individual who raped me, but we could not find any information about him, so I assumed that he was dead. It was possible, he would now be in his 70’s.
Because I lied to myself by telling myself that this individual was dead, I could finally sleep without the nightmares. How wrong I was because I still have the nightmares and I continually remember other events that happened. I knew that besides working a twelve-step program, and going to church that I needed much more, I needed to talk to someone. So, I put myself in therapy but the anger was overwhelming until finally, I went to Mission Church and there was a service on anger, I finally understand!
I would like to share this video on anger with you:
I would like to share with you a little about the service. It’s about those who did the things they did to us and they’re dead, so they will never apologize. It was also about those that are still alive and I don’t know if they do or don’t realize what they did and they will never tell you that they are sorry. It was the beginning to my healing up until recently.
In October, a friend that I trust and knows my story asked me what the name was of the man who molested me. Lo and behold my friend found that individual on Facebook. There was a picture of him from years past, a face I will never forget. It also said the name of a company that he owned. So, I had to get the number of the company, I needed to make that call. I wanted to know if this man would remember me, what he had done to me. Would he be accountable, would he apologize? I just needed to know. I made the call. The receptionist answered the phone. I asked if he was there, she said, “Yes.” She asked my name and I said say it’s Lang. At that point the emotions were overwhelming. I was going to talk with the monster who ruined my childhood, who ruined my life. The phone was answered on the first ring, I heard a familiar voice, “Is this Lang, Lang Hough”? I said, “Yes.” He said, “Lang what have you been doing? I’ve been thinking about you for 37 years “. I said, “No, it’s actually been 39 years and I believe I’ve been thinking about you also.” I can’t get into detail, but there was more than one conversation I had with this man. There is one part in the first conversation that I will share with you, that I remembered that happened back then. I said to him, “Do you remember when my Mother put the gun to your forehead and was going to kill you because she said she wanted her property back” ? His response, “Yes, I do, Lang! Your Mother was crazy!” I said, “No, my Mother loved me, she was trying to protect me!”
I realize now that my Mother knew for all those years what had happened to me and not just my pain but the pain she carried in her heart knowing what happened to her little boy.
A Quote by Marianne Williamson:“Until we meet the monsters in ourselves, we keep trying to slay them in the outer world and we find that we cannot, for all the darkness in the outer world stems from inside the heart and it is therethat we must do our work.”
Footnote: My Mother passed away on July 25, 2010. On July 25, 2018, I made a promise to God and today. I’m no longer that man. Thank you Mom, I miss you. I love you. Happy Birthday December 16- “Little Lang”.
Special Thanks to Dove Ministries, Mission Church , Citizens Journal, Hueneme Voice, Keys To Recovery, The City Of Oxnard, my friends Mark Alvarado, Rafael Stoneman and many, many more, including my family. I just want to let you know Reuben, it won’t break me, it will only make me stronger.
Read Lang Martinez’s Powerful “Nobody Knows But Me” series …..
Nobody Knows But Me: My story about being homeless on the streets of Oxnard- Part 1
Nobody Knows But Me: My story about being homeless on the streets of Oxnard- Part 2
“Nobody knows but me”, “God did”- Part 3- My story about being homeless on the streets of Oxnard
Nobody Knows But Me: Part 4: My Daily Reprieve- My story about being homeless on the streets of Oxnard-
“Nobody knows But Me”, Homeless on the Streets of Oxnard- Part 5- Working in Plaza Park
Nobody Knows But Me: “The Solution” – Part 7.
Editor’s note: The formerly homeless author of this article Lang Martinez told us he’s spent a total of about 6 years on the streets (non-contiguously) in LA and Oxnard and been in multiple recovery programs. He says he is clean now, working and taking one day at a time, trying to help local homeless people.
The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.
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Lang, if nobody has told you, please let me be the first… I’m sorry this happened to you. I apologise for not being there to protect and defend you. it’s not your fault.
-Your Friend, Albert
#METOO …Lang, Just as your story is heartbreaking, it very insightful and I commend your bravery to share with the world. I wrote and was published my memoirs about my own sexual childhood abuse and trauma that led me to addiction as well. A silent addiction that requires no substances and is just as deadly as any other as 1 in 5 will try suicide …Addicted to Gambling.
I am sure as you write and share to raise awareness, like me, it also healthy and a way to continue to heal the past haunting pain of the trauma we endured. Also by helping others? You doing something each day as part of maintaining recovery. Like the person commented above about “being a habitual LIAR?”
There is still so much stigma around addiction and those who have been raped or molested, more so when you are a man I can imagine …NEVER listen to those like the commenter above as their will always be those wanting to take you down when we are DOING GOOD WORKS. Others like him above will always be ignorant to the fact that we can recover and heal… Catherine
I feel your pain as I hear similar stories from many of my patients. Fortunately, for most of them, their pain is gone and the nightmares have stopped. It is amazing how much you can grow when you are freed from the memories.
I know this guy. And He’s a habitual liar..
I have been involved, for over 28 years, with a 12 step program that deals with this and many other types of child abuse. This story is heart wrenching. I wish that every person in my program has an opportunity to read this story. It would encourage them even further in their recovery process. The type of abuse described in this article is life destroying. I’ve encountered many people in my program that have destroyed their lives due to this type of abuse. Keep up your good work Lang!!
Absolutely heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing this trauma and the ongoing effects of childhood horrors.
Lang’s honesty and willingness to share his pain is very courageous. I hope that this article is an opportunity for many people to go deeper into healing and forgiveness.
Beautiful, Lang! Heart-rending and true! You have my undying admiration.
Tom