Violence problem solved: criminals to buy CRIME insurance

Editorial
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By Comrade Šterpin
 
Let’s give plaudits for House Democrat Rep. Carolyn Maloney (N.Y.) for her plan to require criminals to buy gun insurance:Democrat Congresswoman Says Making Gang Members Buy Gun Insurance Will Stop Shootings
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CrimeCare_Insurance_Website
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I’m afraid it won’t be enough, though. Violence isn’t always the fault of guns; oftentimes it’s the fault of fists, knives, feet, cricket bats, broken bottles, sewing needles, derringers, etc. So there has to be a better solution to the country’s rampant violence problem, and not just locking up perps – what is that going to do? We propose a Federal system whereby criminals will be required to purchase Federal CRIME insurance before they commit any violence:  CRIMECommonsense Redistributional Income Mandated Equality. Since it’s estimated that everyone commits at least three federal felonies a day, this will apply to everyone with Intergalactic CRIME Insurance Policies To make it fair, there will be a federal mandate to have an Intergalactic CRIME Insurance policy. Pre-existing crimes will not be a bar to an ICIP as has been in the past since everyone, including the private sector, will be required to be enrolled in the federal system, which will eliminate the uninsured criminal crisis.If a criminal fails to file their Schedule 4399 (Federal and Local crime reporting) for crimes from the previous fiscal year and not covered by the insurance, the IRS will enforce the Federal violence surcharges every year beginning two years after implementation.

Each year will have an enrollment period for the next year’s crimes, with a mandatory listing of all the violence the criminals are contemplating for the next year: dates, places, and people along with the Victim Status Justification Code (VSJC). This will be a part of the new Federally Underwritten Crime – Universal Payment system.

The results of each crime incident will be reported to the F**-UP system in order to properly adjudicate payments to the persons affected by said incidents. Form 322 EZ will determine the compensation ratios given the victim status of the perpetrator and the person who caused the crime by having too much unearned wealth. Certain groups will be exempted from victim status while others with more than one form of victimhood will have their just compensation multiplied.

Violence Problem Solved!

FORWARD!

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