By Richard Eber
April 1, 2021 The latest joint CNN-MSNBC Poll questions
Your house is being robbed by armed intruders. You are near a phone. Who should you call?
- A social worker to consult with for the best strategy to negotiate with the thieves.
- The defunded police department that no longer has jurisdiction over home invasion robbers.
- Vinnie the local mobster who will send one of his guys over for a fee.
- The local Ghost Busters office
- None of the above
Ex Boyfriend Maurice has come to visit brandishing a knife to make sure you are listening to his complaints on why he was dumped. What action is recommended?
- Ask him to put away the blade.
- Instruct Maurice to leave or you will summon Vinnie to assist.
- Call 911 and hope for the best
- Run to the bedroom where to score a .38 pistil kept in the night stand.
- All of the above
Al Sharpton in a commentary on MSNBC has stated that every individual with pale skin is a racist. What can white folks do to rectify this problem?
- Enquire about receiving a darkening complexion transplant.
- Seek counseling from the local Black Lives Matter (BLM) chapter.
- Start a special reparations trust fund as a sign of good will.
- Wear face masks permanently to obscure your real skin color.
- Do nothing. One must live with the characteristics God has bestowed on us.
Your vehicle has been car jacked by a thief indentified as having dark skin. What is your first move after being deposited at a nearby gas station?
- Call your preacher up and beg forgiveness for not providing a more recent model to steal.
- Contact the successor body to the old police department who normally don’t investigate crime unless in cases of racism or murder.
- Forget about it except to inform the insurance company. Doing anything else is a waste of time.
- Hire a private firm into recovering your vehicle.
A complaint has been filed with the Human Resources Department where you work. It questions whether there is racist intent for your part using Wonder White Bread for sandwiches brought into the office each day. Your response?
- Tell the chumpett who objects to your diet choices at lunch to mind her own business
- Change your bread to darker varieties to avoid having further racism charges to be leveled against you
- Stop dating your accuser’s sister. This beats an interrogation from the PC Police and likely mandatory attendance at a virtual racism seminar.
- Ignore the whole thing and run over to the neighborhood Cannabis Outlet Store and purchase a new stash of Blue Dream
Joe Biden has been elected President yet your community has not disbanded their police department to your satisfaction. What should be done to rectify this situation?
- Go start a Go Fund Me page to subsidize the cost of bringing in Jesse Jackson to confront the local authorities
- Get Gavin Newsom out of retirement after his recall from being Governor of California to press for change.
- Lobby Senator Kamala Harris to pass a bill that outlaws the existence of the police.
- If the Senator does not favorably respond, help elect a more Progressive candidate (If
One can be found) in the next election.
- Bribe the fellow who programs Joe Biden’s teleprompter to get the President’s attention to your problem.
Your wife has been detained by a citizen’s arrest from the radical Planned Parenthood chapter for holding Pro Life views. When she reaches you with her lone phone call when arrested, what do you advise her to do?
- Convert immediately to being Pro Choice, as many Democratic politicians have done, to avoid scrutiny on abortion from leftist extremists.
- Ask how much bail might be and figure if it is worth springing your wife from this jam.
- Check up about the menu at the Women’s prison to see if they offer gluten free entrée options.
- Pay the bail insisting that your wife in the future carry a pack of Trojans around with her at all times.
- Fight this charge to the Supreme Court.
The Progressive Principal at your son’s Middle School has arranged to do an intervention to deal about the alleged racist subject matter of his book report about George Washington promoting white supremacy. Because of the Father of Our Country was a slave owner, the school is concerned about mentioning him in US History classes what action is required?
- Change your report topic to a more PC subject.
- Write the paper but do not mention Washington’s slaves or any mention of what life might have been at Mount Vernon
- Press the local school board to ban books of America’s first President so no one will ever suffer this white supremist trauma again.
- Sign your child up with a special therapy session with Dr. Phil to cure his racist tendencies.
- Just do the damned report and don’t be intimidated by these creeps.
Your City has been taken over (much like California) by avowed Progressives who when in office admit to being Communists. After they decide to abolish the Police and private property, what is your response?
- File a suit in Federal Court and hope a judge appointed by Donald Trump is presiding over your case.
- Continue to support your elected officials. Karl Marx’s utopian vision must be right around the corner.
- Try to retain your property by electing less socialistic office holders in the next election.
- Abandon your personal property. Recent rent control ordinances prevent you from collecting any revenue for almost five years anyway.
In the new Census it is being asked (of White Citizens only) how long they have been acting in a racist manor towards African American’s. How do you answer this loaded question?
- As less often as possible
- Will confess my pass sins and volunteer to attend a government sponsored re-education program.
- Have been unaware of acting in a racist way
- I will leave it up to Scott Weiner (D-San Francisco) to pass a law that evaluates my guilt.
When facing the Jack Benny dilemma “Your Money or your Life”, how will you proceed?
- Pull out a concealed weapon and roll the dice so to speak.
- Hand over your wallet and do anything the robber asks.
- Threaten to report the incident to the authorities if such an entity still exists.
- Punch the emergency button on your phone and hope an ambulance or social worker will come to the rescue.
There is a jurisdictional dispute between Antifa and BLM on who is in charge of the 6 block Mini Republic in Seattle. How is this argument to be solved?
- Ask the Mayor of Seattle to give equal territory in another part of the city to one of the organizations to resettle in
- Organize an Alexander Hamilton style duel to determine which side will prevail.
- Tweet Donald Trump and ask him to bring in the National Guard.
- Bring in a Labor mediator to peacefully negotiate a settlement between the two factions.
Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.
The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.