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    With Tongue in Cheek | When being Self Quarantined leads to madness

     

    By Richard Eber

    Staying in virtual isolation during the Corona Virus pandemic, much of my time has been spent dealing with “I wish I had a river, I could skate away on” moments.

    Despite watching news reports 24/7, there is little to be done other than hanging out trying to stay entertained and driving my wife crazy.  To deal with this tedious boredom, I have come up with a list of activities that can be done without wearing a mask or using sterile wipes to cover my tracks.

    1. Watching the Tiger King on Netflix is a viable substitute for taking your kids to the zoo.
    1. You are so depressed listening to Steven Colbert that he actually makes you laugh.
    1. When you view an all day Everyone Loves Raymond marathon without ever pressing the pause button.
    1. Being quarantined allows one to catch up in keeping up with your stamp and coin collections, even if they don’t exist.
    1. Finally come to the realization that HBO is a rip-off compared with other premium outlets. It should be asked why have I been paying for this garbage so many years?
    1. Why am I consuming Instant breakfast bars as there is nothing to get up for
    1. Straying from the wife now means volunteering a Safeway run or watching Showtime after Dark when the old lady is taking a shower.
    1. When you phone a toll free number and the recorded message says “We appreciate your patience, your call is very important to us. All associates are assisting other callers” After being put on hold you don’t get angry until the message is repeated at least 5 times.
    1. It’s no longer required to sign petitions for special interests trying to get measures on the November ballot because we are living in isolation.
    1. You learn it is possible to view info commercials in the daytime on cable. This revelation comes from a lifetime of waking up in the middle of night to learn how to slice and dice vegetables along with purchasing a skin cream which is supposed to make you look at least 10 years younger.
    1. You come to the realization that Mike Lindell, the My Pillow Guy, never sleeps because he can be seen at all hours of the day and night.
    1. .It is now possible to guess Marie Osmond’s age because she has been on TV since you  were a kid.
    1. Life is so boring that you actually miss Andy Rooney
    1. You look forward to when Wheel of Fortune airs. One becomes so blurry eyed that it appears Vanna White hasn’t aged a day since when the show began.
    1. After watching cable news broadcasts about the Covid-19 Virus for 8 straight hours you believe Don Lemon is telling the truth and have fantasies about dating Rachael Maddow
    1. One gets so lonely that it is possible to look forward to receiving a robo call about major business opportunities receiving free money from a Nigerian Prince.
    1. After learning Gavin Newsom is sending ventilators to Blue States, you believe he is more interested in helping people than running for President in 2024.
    1. Following the press conference of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), you now believe Kamala Harris is a moderate.
    1. Looking forward to watching TV preachers even if you are an atheist.
    1. Have concern that playing the Masters Golf Tournament in November will create conflicts with watching Pro football games. Best check schedules before reaching for a Valium.
    1. Things are so boring that after watching Joe Biden on his teleprompter, it takes several minutes before snoring ensues
    1. You no longer need to make excuses for not going to the movies a boring party, or having sex. If this strategy fails, (old faithful), pretending to have a headache, still works.
    1. You can’t tell the difference between a Nancy Pelosi press conference and a Saturday Night Live skit. Bring on Chevy Chase and the Blues Brothers to qualify the House Speaker’s act to qualify to be a reality TV.
    1. One feels sorry that Bernie Sanders has withdrawn from the Presidential race to become the Democratic candidate running against Donald Trump. This regret is not based on his far leftist political views, but rather Sander’s entertainment value criticizing our capitalistic form of free enterprise government. This is indeed a joke.
    1. Looking forward to speaking with your Mother-in-Law even when she is tendering constructive criticism.

    Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

    The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.


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