Column
Richard Eber, Exclusive to the California Political News and Views
Going to the Animal Control Agency near my residence to receive a license for my dog Charley, I was advised by staff that I must first put my pet through a Woke Sensitivity Training (WST) course.
At first I thought this might be a joke because how could a dog, even a genius such as Charlie with talents for fetching balls, chewing bones, and licking strangers at first sight, need to engage in some sort of canine cancel-culture curriculum?
Thinking this was a mistake, I asked to speak with the director of the agency. A short time later an individual, who identified himself as Mr. Burns, came to the counter. Before the conversation began he mentioned “Don’t ask me if Homer Simpson is an employee of mine at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. I am approved by PETA, thus am an expert.”
“This WST training is as much for the guardians of licensed dogs as the animals themselves”, he stated. “We do not use the word “owner” or “master” as such a designation reeks of white supremacy and privilege”.
I retorted “If you are such an expert” why does the brochure you gave me mention how Charlie can possibly fit the mold of being a non-binary genderqueer? After all he has been fixed” I concluded. Burns would have none of it. He emphatically stated “How do you know how dogs relate to one another in the bushes when no one else is looking”.
Mr. Burns reminded me of virtually every Woke I have come in contact with of late. They are always trying to regulate behavior on the proper way to conduct oneself so not to offend others. Such a notion is weird since I don’t know any these people. On the other hand I didn’t want to be framed for committing some kind illegal act because of being a chronic non-team member.
With this in mind I agreed to accompany him to the Woke WST course. I did stand my ground flatly refusing to take a rabies shot. That I was told is reserved for hard core libertarians and Trump Republicans.
At that time Charley could skip a Covid-19 vaccination. I was also informed my pouch did not have to wear a face mask but that could change depending on what Dr. Fauci might advise at a future date.
According to the WST, the so called Critical Race theory has been redefined for dogs. Their training manual states that designating dog breeds such as is categorized by the American Kennel Association (AKA) are highly racist and bigoted. “As such they recommend a cancel culture approach where all winners of past AKA events be omitted from history books along with Presidents Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln.
Doggie Fascism rejected
Selective breeding is unfair and discriminatory, we were told. Such a policy the WST believes is similar to what the Nazis tried to do creating a so called “master race”. Random Artificial insemination is the only way dogs can be equitably bred with all but a handful of Donor Dogs fixed after birth”, the WST publication argued.
They went on to say Planned Parenthood would also issue birth control pills and doggie condoms to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies.
After finishing the 4 hour training session Charley was properly tagged and we could return home. As a reward for being a good boy. I gave him a large beef bone, even though WST training, for reasons unknown, discourages doing so.
Both Charley and I were exhausted from this ordeal, took a long well deserved nap together.
Every moment I am around seems special for him. It matters not to Charley if Easter is now called Spring Break or Christmas time is now referred to be a Winter Holiday. Every Friday is a “good” one for him
In Charley’s world hate crimes don’t exist unless he is tethered to a pole for a long period of time. When released, rather than filing a complaint with PETA, (who would likely put him permanently to sleep, Charley instead prances around looking for a ball to chase.
Charley does not care about anything except having enough to eat. He never questions me if the bones I give him come from grass fed Angus beef or humanly euthanized cattle. I have never received even a one bark enquiry asking if his kibble might be organic or gluten free. He still is grateful to receive milk bones although I am told they amount to junk food for dogs.
Philosophically, I think Charley is a Libertarian because he is arguably the worst watch dog who ever lived. He is equal opportunity in allowing strangers, robbers, friends, and mashers to enter my residence with a friendly greeting, regardless if they are wearing a mask.
Charley does not care about politics. I’m not sure what party he belongs to because he has never shown any preference to donkeys or elephants. By virtue of liking Gravy Train dog food it is certain Charley is a fan of welfare entitlements.
He believes dog shows are racist and full of white privilege. Charley is considering asking Al Sharpton, Antifa, and Black Lives Matter to intercede on the behalf of all canines guaranteeing a prejudice free world
Charley does not seem to care about the growing national debt or the proposed recall of Gavin Newsom. The only legislation (other than banning the consumption of dogs) he favors is making it illegal to sell vegetarian kibble without a note from the vet.
He barked “Why should we all suffer because of a bunch of fruitcake Wokes who want to make us four legged creatures as miserable as they are?”
Charley seems to like all he meets. At dog parks he plays with every breed encountered including pit bulls and mastoids. Despite my concern for the possibility of running up expensive vet bills, Charlie reminds me “Why can’t we all get along and chase tennis balls in peace.”
Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.
The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Citizens Journal.
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