BabylonBee.com, 12/28/22
It’s that time of year again – when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!
January 1 – Millions set out to read their entire Bible
January 4 – Dozens still reading their entire Bible
January 6 – AOC dies again of PTSD after recounting her death on January 6
February 13 – Kamala Harris reports that Biden had an unfortunate accident coming down the stairs
February 16 – Kamala caught laughing while at Biden’s funeral
February 19 – Kamala Harris sworn in
February 20 – Weed criminalized heavily in all 50 states
March 3 – Whoopi Goldberg says something racist
March 13 – AOC says something stupid
March 23 – John Fetterman finally finishes taking his oath of office
April 4 – The war in Ukraine ends
April 5 – The war in Taiwan begins
April 12 – SBF says that another $50 million of people’s money has gone missing
May 1 – Obama releases a new memoir
May 12 – No one shows up to work across America. Also, all Nintendo Switches are sold out for some reason
May 19 – Webster changes the definition of gender
May 22 – Bob Iger bends the knee and swears fealty to Ron DeSantis
May 25 – Public schools announce they will now allow Tuttle Twins books in school libraries
May 26 – Tuttle Twins books pulled from libraries after students start questioning teachers’ bias
June 4 – Kanye says he’s not crazy anymore
June 5 – Kanye joins the KKK
July 4 – Zelensky named president of the United States
August 8 – Dr. Fauci comes out of retirement after new COVID strain leaks from a lab
August 12 – Alex Jones sued for another $400 trillion billion
September 15 – Obama releases a new memoir
September 20 – Elon releases part 3,285 of the Twitter files
October 27 – Elon Musk buys The View, promptly cancels the show forever
October 29 – Post Office releases Jan 6 commemorative stamp
November 9 – Pizzagate conspiracy confirmed true
November 23 – Brian Stelter retires to Idaho to be with his kind
November 25 – Elon Musk announces gas-powered Tesla to save us all from the coming ice age
December 5 – Disney announces Phase 5 of the Marvel Universe will be Brie Larson giving a series of 2-hour TED talks on misogyny.
December 10 – A late-night host says something funny (hey, we can dream right?)
December 31 – The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it
The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of Citizens Journal
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