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    Two Visions of America by Don Jans

    The Babylon Bee’s Predictions for 2023

    BabylonBee.com, 12/28/22

    It’s that time of year again – when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!

    January 1 – Millions set out to read their entire Bible

    January 4 – Dozens still reading their entire Bible

    January 6 – AOC dies again of PTSD after recounting her death on January 6

    February 13 – Kamala Harris reports that Biden had an unfortunate accident coming down the stairs

    February 16 – Kamala caught laughing while at Biden’s funeral

    February 19 – Kamala Harris sworn in

    February 20 – Weed criminalized heavily in all 50 states

    March 3 – Whoopi Goldberg says something racist

    March 13 – AOC says something stupid

    March 23 – John Fetterman finally finishes taking his oath of office

    April 4 – The war in Ukraine ends

    April 5 – The war in Taiwan begins

    April 12 – SBF says that another $50 million of people’s money has gone missing

    May 1 – Obama releases a new memoir

    May 12 – No one shows up to work across America. Also, all Nintendo Switches are sold out for some reason

    May 19 – Webster changes the definition of gender

    May 22 – Bob Iger bends the knee and swears fealty to Ron DeSantis

    May 25 – Public schools announce they will now allow Tuttle Twins books in school libraries

    May 26 – Tuttle Twins books pulled from libraries after students start questioning teachers’ bias

    June 4 – Kanye says he’s not crazy anymore

    June 5 – Kanye joins the KKK

    July 4 – Zelensky named president of the United States

    August 8 – Dr. Fauci comes out of retirement after new COVID strain leaks from a lab

    August 12 – Alex Jones sued for another $400 trillion billion

    September 15 – Obama releases a new memoir

    September 20 – Elon releases part 3,285 of the Twitter files

    October 27 – Elon Musk buys The View, promptly cancels the show forever

    October 29 – Post Office releases Jan 6 commemorative stamp

    November 9 – Pizzagate conspiracy confirmed true

    November 23 – Brian Stelter retires to Idaho to be with his kind

    November 25 – Elon Musk announces gas-powered Tesla to save us all from the coming ice age

    December 5 – Disney announces Phase 5 of the Marvel Universe will be Brie Larson giving a series of 2-hour TED talks on misogyny.

    December 10 – A late-night host says something funny (hey, we can dream right?)

    December 31 – The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it

    The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of Citizens Journal


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